The Confession - Four

It was all complicated. The next morning Akaay showed up at their doorstep. Kriya was in a deep sleep; Kaaya went to open the door and was surprised to find Akaay in the early morning; she asked him to come in and told him Kriya was still asleep so he could wait. Akaay told kaaya that indeed he came to meet Kaaya and not Kriya. He even told her that he had dropped a text the night before. Kaaya saw her phone and indeed there was a text, however, she rejected to meet him but, after being pursuaded for few minutes she agreed to have talk. Kaaya went and sticked a note for Kriya writing she's going to have a walk with Akaay and she should call as soon as she wakes up. They left to have a walk . 

Akaay, while conversing, looked at Kaaya and said, "The other day Kriya told me a few lines which I don't know why but have stuck in my mind, "I think you like her (Kaaya) more than you let on. And I think she likes you more than she lets on. Or maybe you're just figuring out how to be you again. I think it is true in our case. I told you I would shatter if she (Kriya) walked in front of me again, and I did. But then, when I saw you on her birthday, you shattered me completely. There's this difference I want you to know Mutki. At former, it was my love for her which shattered me, and later, it was your mere presence which was capable of shattering me!" Kaaya gave Akaay a stare and said, "The Lincoln Lawyer... She actually used those lines on you!!!" Akaay was all confused; seeing him all confused, Kaaya explained, "Oh, it's a scene from the series The Lincoln Lawyer, never mind!" 

Akaay could never understand why these ladies are a matchable resemblance at times. Kaaya continued, "Okay! Enough with who shattered whom with what! Now what? 
Akaay curiously asked Kaaya, "Okay enough hating me. Can I ask you something? Answer me genuinely. Apart from hating me, what did you love about me, if there's anything?
Kaaya gave him a smile and said, "Okay... you want me to please you with my words? Never mind, I'll tell you both aspects of what I liked in you and how you made me like you." She crossed her hands, took a deep breath, and slowly and carefully, she started talking, " As we started talking unknowingly over time, you became my addiction. I got addicted to your smile and eyes. At night earlier, all I could do was look at your photo and later, over video calls, stare into your eyes and find my tiny reflection from your phone screen in your eyes. At that time, I felt I was being your whole world, and all that mattered was being us. Yes, you did push a few things for us, but you tried your best not to put me in an uncomfortable situation. You made an effort to change yourself for my sake. You went far ahead, sacrificing most of the things, most part of you, for the love you had for me. I did want to believe you and I did. But again, I could see someone's reflection in your obsession, which scared me. Later, after we broke up, I realised how I could expect you to change in my ways for me to love you... Even I did have changes, but that didn't change the core Kaaya I was, but somewhere you were changing yourself. I made you change, or you decided to have a change for me. All these don't matter. All that mattered in the end was somewhere you were cutting your parts to fit into my space, which was wrong. I was wrong."

"I did it for you and for myself as well. You brought my attention to the parts I need to change and it was my willingness to change them. I was selfish, I was obsessed with keeping you in my life, for which I would go to any lengths, and I did. I was ready to change myself, and still I am. You're like a magnet that pulls me. I could feel that pull towards you." Kaaya saw Akaay and smirked; Akaay gave her a reaction, "What? God, how do I make you believe? Why do I always need to prove myself..." He slightly pinched her and pulled her cheeks. Kaaya shook his hands, "Shhhhh.... Let me continue talking..." Kaaya continued talking.

Before you, none of my ex-partners asked me how I was feeling. What did I want? What do I need? I was never asked but all time was told. Even when I was sad or upset about something, I was forced to be okay on my own; they didn't care. But you did. You were miles away from me... But every time I faced the tiniest inconvenience, you could evidently spot it on our FaceTime. My little inconvenience mattered the most to you. You would do stupid and great things to make me smile. I never knew how to express my emotions to a partner. I could express myself in front of my parents and friends, but I never knew how it felt to open up to a partner; you never validated my feelings; you understood them. You gave me that opportunity and that safe place. I couldn't control my emotions and my feelings, had no control over my words, and you used to listen to it patiently. I got habituated to it I started bringing every tiny inconvenience only because I felt heard. Later on, you did start to feel I was being grumpy, and why would you not? I somewhere took you and your listening for granted. But then I started learning when to say what, but still, when I was most hurt, I lost control and blabbered. I'm grateful for you being patient with me at that point. 
You were the first guy who made me believe I can be loved. You didn't find flaws in me and loved all my little imperfections. Yes, you did joke about it once or twice, but you never did when I brought it to your attention. But all these things got changed later... Yes, I know it didn't happen purposely, but it happened. You thought I was seeking your attention, but no, I was seeking your presence. I didn't want to let go of you, but in love, you don't hold a person or force, right? When all I had was excitement to talk to you, you gave me dry energy like I was bothering you. I get it you were tired of the daily routine and all. I tried letting you go, but I couldn't let go of attachments, and I ended up contacting you after months when you certainly had found a good company for your colleague. I finally broke all ties. It took me another year after our breakup to do so. I apologise for projecting my insecurities on you. You felt guilty because of the perception I had of you. Later, I realised I wasn't right for you because I couldn't accept you at your worst for the reasons I quoted you in past. It got nothing to do with you but it was all on me. You did try to mould yourself. I, unfortunately,, kept hammering on your wounds unknowingly. You say I comforted you, but I cannot forget the moments when, because of me, you had criticised yourself."

"I'm the same Akaay Kaaya. Please see me one more time. I will reflect. I'm willing to change for you, us. You realise things, Kaaya. See how mature you are to hold yourself accountable for mistakes; not all can do that." "Things don't happen the same way twice, heard of it?" The second time it'll be forced. You have yourself to Kriya again, don't you? Now, what is making you ask me for reconsideration? Akaay... You're precious don't give yourself to everyone. You let girls come into your life. You said you don't go find girls. They do, but they can do so because they feel welcomed, Akaay. Everyone's man is no woman's man Kaay. You fall into the illusion so easily and you start to think it's truth. Even if they're giving you attention, care Kaay, somewhere deep down, you seek it. They're giving it and will continue to give it till the time they feel you, not all who give will continue. There's nothing wrong in wanting to be loved, kaay, but you cannot accept it from everywhere; I made that mistake once, and I'm talking about it from experience. If you keep accepting it every time you get, it'll lead you nowhere; you'll keep running behind it, and you may not stay stable. After all, it's your life, Kaay. I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I don't know why, but I felt like sharing it. It might be my forced concern. You're great, Kaay, but you met me, the girl who was not right for you. It was your love who made me feel right for you and this applies to me as well. You're not the wrong guy. It's just that you're not the right one for me, but you may be right for someone out there, and again, it applies to me. Let's get out of the loop again and all over again, Kaay. Let's refrain from risking ourselves again in love. Let's not gamble on what if and accept what it is. You only told me in our last conversation that we are over; there's nothing left for us. Let's stand by it now. Honour the decision we once made. Now let's go. I'm hungry let's grab a bite." "I'm not everyone's but I would reflect. Would you mind sharing a vadapao with me? I know you don't share food but please." Kaaya smirked, "Let's see." 
They both arrived at Vadapao place. Akaay wanted to share his vadapao, and Kaaya denied it. As they were having food Akaay questioned Kaaya, "So what's between you and Nimish? The other day we spoke about him a little. I could see a building chemistry between you two. Do you like him, each other?" Kaaya replied, "Ummm... Why are you asking though, getting jealous?" "Nope, curious." "Ahhh... Umm, for me, Nimish was a ray of sunshine, a ray of hope. He was the little brightness in my dark world which lit the flame and kept it going. So let's see... What about you? Kriya loves you, and so do you. You, at your deepest,, wanted to be with her. I'm not coming back, we're not happening. What have you decided?" "What's in there to decide? I don't know. Yes, my heart beats for Kriya. When she came back, we reunited. But, I am scared. I am scared history shouldn't repeat itself. I don't want to get hurt. I'll be gambling on me and Kriya so to say." "Then I wish you have the winning SHOW!!!" Both chuckled.

Kriya woke up and saw the note and called Kaaya. Both head back to home. It was revealed to Kaaya that Akaay was going to Jaipur for a week to move in with Kriya next week. Even Kaaya started packing her things.
12/12/2024
05/01/2025