The Confession- One

Note: The story narrated hereby is purely fiction 

Kaaya was sitting in the apartment's park all alone by herself. Her life was chaotic for the past few days. The things she had suffered were overcome with great patience, endured all the pain she once went into that dark pit. Her friends couldn't see her losing everything over again and, moreover, herself. They were there before, but getting up and coming out of that dark phase was Kaaya's choice to be made. Kaaya wasn't good at handling heartbreaks and failures maturely; she cried till the point she got numb and one day, it was all over, and she began new beginnings. 

She was thinking about where she lacked, where it all went wrong between her and Akaay. 

As she was thinking Akaay came and sat next to her. He handed a cup of coffee to her and some chips. Kaaya resisted having it. He broke the silence, "Come on, have it. I know it's your favourite flavour the last time I checked." "Yes it still is, but I'm in no mood of having it right now. I'll eat it later, thank you" 
Akaay further tried initiating conversation, "You know Ki, that day when I saw you at birthday, I couldn't take my eyes away from you, not even for a second. But I noticed your eyes were stuck on that other guy; what's his name, Jimish? Yeah!" Kaaya saw him with a troubled face, "It's Nimish, for god's sake. If you're bothered finding me admiring someone, I'll repeat for you to listen carefully and admire and not love. Now, when you see I'm being admired and loved by someone, you have the audacity to cry and complain? Where were you when I was patiently waiting for you to come and fix everything between us, trust us when I spent hundreds of nights crying my heart and soul out for you to come? I will never say come back because I never felt you were gone but not around. But I was living in delusions you were gone the day when you made peace with me going away."
"Stop being a victim, Mutki; it was you who left me when I needed you the most. You took the decision to end things between us. I was tired, lost, exhausted. I was already fixing myself and things around me, I'm sorry for not being around, but I just couldn't take it all. All I wanted was for you to be patient with me. Handle me. I thought it was like every time. It was your pattern of flying and not fighting when things went wrong. I thought it was a matter of a fight and we'll be okay after some days. But that day never came. Although I tried calling you you didn't speak that much. What do you expect me to do, cry for you, beg you for not leaving me, pause my life and stop living it, for that matter? Anyway, did you notice you've become mature and patient? You didn't cut my sentence, not even once. You were bothered but you didn't utter a word. What you gotta say, I'm listening."
"That's what you taught me Akaay. Not to disturb you. When you should have stayed and listened to me, you didn't even hear me. You muted my chat like I was being a disturbance, and that broke my heart to the core. I was bothering you, and I decided not to bother you with anything, and I'm still following that. And yes I decided to break things off after I brought the issue to you many times, didn't I? I decided to go when you made me feel and felt that my presence made no difference to your life. I had the urge to cut your lines but I am listening and now you listen 

I did not leave you. You pushed me. That day when I was telling you how I was feeling, you were bothered because you were walking behind your so-called friends, but you forgot that you were with them all this time. But all I felt was that I was left behind, and you didn't bother to turn around and see whether I was walking or not. All you did was assume I'd walk behind you. You didn't care. And you said I wasn't being patient; I was okay; you seen zoning me for hours; whenever we talked, it was about how life is being hard on you, and you asked me how I was doing when I made it obvious. You never cared beyond yourself to ask me, out of generosity, how was my day? These things were bothering me but I didn't complain because I understood you're not having time. I used to wait for you all day, exhausted and when you actually came, my wait turned into frustration, but still, I feel relieved to hear you. I never mind listening to you but I mind when you didn't listen to me. All these things may sound little to you, Akaay, but it is all needed in a relationship to grow. You at first gave me a garden of flowers, and when things got hard, you started to care less, you planted me with your convenience, and all I wanted was the slightest consistency. You took my presence for granted. You said you have a problem with me being understanding. Didn't you ask me why I have to be understanding? Like dude, what do you want me to do!? When I used to bring up a problem, you got issues, and you shut me off, saying you had no energy dealing with this right now; fine; when I didn't bring it up and I was silent, you again had issues with me for not saying anything. When naturally, I reacted a little out of place, you labelled me as always angry and grumpy; when I was cheering you, motivating you, and sending you messages, you said you were feeling guilty because you couldn't do the same for me. Whatever I did was a trouble to you. Yes, you had called me, no doubt, but it wasn't genuine, and you know that too. I had dropped texts to which you called later. That time also you kept talking about how your life was going." Kaaya took a deep breath and said, "All these things don't mean anything anymore; it happened, we happened, and now there's no point digging old graves. 

Remember something? You said the first part rhetorically when I called you a few days after your birthday to check on you. I reacted out of place earlier, and I wanted to apologise. You said something similar; what's the logic of bringing this now? Same what's the point bringing it now."

Kaaya stood up and took a step. Akaay held her hand and said it was never enough for me. "I am sorry. I wanna listen more. Please." Kaaya sat silently. She held Akaay's hand and leaned her head over his shoulder. "All I wanted was to be there for you. Yes, Akaay, I agree; I was always a take-a-flight person and did not fight, but you made me believe in staying and fighting for love, and that was all I was doing. All I wanted was to become your safe space. When your day ends a space where you could walk in and lay your head, take out all your worries. I wanted to be the peace the same peace which you were to me. You were my home, I sucked at telling you this. You called me home, and you stopped coming home, which is what bothered me. You didn't share what was actually going on. You stopped telling me things; it was through your stories I got to know the updates and how fair it was that. That day, I was broken when you said can we talk later because I'm behind my group; what you meant was I gotta catch them and throw me. When you said if I wanted to leave, just say, and I never mentioned leaving, not once since the time we patched up. Somewhere, you were okay with me leaving, and no wonder I'm to be blamed. I've done wrong leaving you before or saying it, and no wonder you became resistant to it. Again, when I called you after months, I wanted to apologise for my actions; I wanted you to not blame yourself completely. But then also you said we're over, what was I expecting from us, love from you and all. I wasn't expecting anything, wasn't expecting your love because I know it's not right. I meant to tell you I cannot accept anyone's love and you said I have someone who cares deeply and greatly for me. I had genuine questions about how people find you, to which you said I don't find people. They find me; come on, you allow them. That's why they enter in the first place. They'll enter only when they feel they're welcomed. I felt bad. Even I did care for you when I was around. After you left, I paused my life, stopped living, and you got a new replacement. Why? Because that 'caring' person was there with you. Even I had people, to be precise, 'boys' who did care, but I didn't allow them. It was matter of feeling Akaay. You made me feel like I was an option so you could move on from Kriya." While saying all this, she was sobbing; Akaay's shirt was wet with Kaaya's tears. He put his hand behind him, patted her head, and gently put a kiss on her head while wiping his own tears. "I know it was being hard, I was being hard. I couldn't express myself, and when I did, I felt you were bothered listening to me." 

Kaaya looked up and held Akaay's face in her hands, looking directly into his eyes, "I felt the same, Akaay. I was too much for you and, at times, nothing. We were perfect for each other and at the same time toxic for each other." She wiped his tears, "I made you go through the same heartbreak, didn't I?" Akaay held her hands, "Yes you did! But will you fix it back for me? I wanna be fixed. It has always been you." 

Kaaya was surprised, "But you have Kriya. You had her before me. I came when she wasn't there. And she came back when I left you. You both are there for each other Akaay. It's not fair to her. She loves you. Even you said many times your heart belongs to her. She told me how she regretted not being there for you, how much she's guilty for hurting you. And now, when she has you, she's meaning to keep you. If she hears you saying this it will shatter her. It's better to keep things as they are. As you said back then, it's over between us; we have nothing now." Akaay, sounds nervous, "Although I'm with her, I have never forgotten you, Kaaya. You stay inside me, inside my heart. I am not able to love her the way I loved you." 
"Because it's her. Akaay you always have had this problem. When one girl leaves you, someone enters, and you let them, which is not the issue. The issue is when the earlier one comes back, or some efforts are taken you're ready to leave the present one. I entered when she had left you. You somewhere loved me for the parts which resembled to Kri's. I still remember the fight where you called me Kriya when you sent me your drunk conversation with a friend and how you happened to call her name instead of mine." Akaay sounded frustrated, "It was a typo error; Kaa, how many times do I need to tell you? The drunk conversation you're talking about I was having difficulty saying your names. I called Kriya Kaaya. How did you miss that and happen to remember the time when I called you Kriya? I was over her. I loved you as Kaaya only."

"You were never over her Akaay. And when I left you, she came back. You kept her. If you were over her and loved me, why did you allow her to come? And now you're willing to let her go because you see there's Little possibility of having us. It will take you nowhere, okay? Please honour her love for you. I know you never forget your true love and it stays inside you. Even if you stay inside my heart, Akaay, but that doesn't mean I should let it all come back. Period happen Akaay. Please let go." 

Kaaya left. She noticed Kriya was standing there all crying. She might have heard all the conversation. Kaaya, all worried, came running to Kriya, held her hands and said, "I'm sorry, Kriya. It's not how it looks. He's yours, he always has been. I don't want to lose you as my friend." 

Kriya hugged Kaaya, "it's not your fault. It never was. It is not his fault as well. I came between you. He doesn't love me any more, not after you; he cannot love anyone but you..... Kaaya, you're Akaay's Kaay and Akaay is your Kaay."
Why did Kriya react this way? 

24/09/2024